Ernest Hemingway, an American novelist... a genius in a literary sense and was a heavy drinker... succumbed to alcohol as inspiration... became manic and depressed which eventually led to hi death...
Now the dream is about to end, and life, as it often does... continues. My more than two months stay here in my hometown is a blur. A series of days, nay, seconds spent wondering how my life has turned to this seemingly unfathomable abyss after spending years in the light. As negative as it may sound, this has got to be the lowest point in my life, at least in my recent memory. It seemed that the wheel of time and change has proscastrinated in this position for two long and grueling months.
People ask me how my life (meaning career) is turning out, and my easiest way to address those questions is to brush them off with a shrug... Bahala na... Wala pang tawag eh... The usual answers to change the topic... Which deteriorates in turn, the only piece of luxury I have. My Pride! Modesty aside, I am not your typical joe (no reference to Abellon). I am not an ordinary piece of furniture, I always found myself as something for the ages. I think and I comprehend things above what is average. And I worked hard for that, until recently. That is why it perplexes me to find myself in this position... Mediocre, and yes... ordinary.
Somehow, in the most crucial part of a life, the birth and nurturing of a career, I have decided to weasel-out of challenges. I got so used to me being good... or head and shoulders above others that I stopped trying to improve myself. And after a few bumps along the way, I lost all my self-confidence. I always said to others that the only way for others to believe in you is, first, believe in yourself. And somehow, that faith has blown off with the wind along with the withering laurels that ONCE sat calmly on my ears... What has happened? Honestly... I'm not sure. A friend (Dodjie) once told me that sometimes there is thin line that separates true happiness with comfort. I guess, I got comfortable and fooled myself enough that I was happy with how the things were in my life. And in turn, I settled long in that comfort and sank slowly to my knees... Now I have trouble getting out of the predicament I had put myself in... Once, I basked in wine, now I drown in water...
Recently, another friend asked me what the hell am I doing bumming around and hogging all the bandwidth I can get while lying down passively against my normal competitive self, when I could easily find a new job elsewhere. The most intriguing answer I could come up with was that I am "Soul Searching". It was an inside joke, a term that I and a fellow comrade use as an excuse for, umh... well... bumming. Yet, I realized that, now as it nears my escape to reality... That is what I was doing here all those two months. Rekindling that lost fire I once had in me, assessing all (and I mean ALL, that means you!) I have done wrong, and grooming myself for the next challenges in my life. Finding that "Inner Light" in the direst moments, and the deepest hours, as Paulo Cuelho would put it (Eleven Minutes). Kuya Jess once said that... "In order for you to see the light, you'd have to experience darkness." Maybe this was the time for me... To pull out a LeBron, down the last three quarters and scoring 20 in the fourth to come up with a win. A time to rebound. A winning goal against life in penalty time when you're certain to draw the 90th minute. Somehow, I have convinced myself that this is the path to where I'm leading. That this is it, as an old adage... my time to turn the wheel on my favor...
For all this... my lifesaving "Soul Searching", I thank my life-partner (Karen, physically absent yet there for me all the time) who has always inspired me to achieve, my family, my old friends, new friends and new-old friends (you get me, right?)... The neighborhood, PLDT MyDsl for keeping me sane, and the liquors and cigarettes I have always enjoyed (for doing likewise)...
I have always argued that I would only find myself and kindle that fire of competitiveness, and have always imagined "growing up" when I get elsewhere... Be it Dubai or Singapore or anywhere but in this god-forsaken nation... Ironically, I found myself here... Davao City. To where the most part of me ever was. I realized I never needed those million miles of virtual solitude... I just wanted to be home...
Now the dream is about to end, and life, as it often does... continues. My more than two months stay here in my hometown is a blur. A series of days, nay, seconds spent wondering how my life has turned to this seemingly unfathomable abyss after spending years in the light. As negative as it may sound, this has got to be the lowest point in my life, at least in my recent memory. It seemed that the wheel of time and change has proscastrinated in this position for two long and grueling months.
People ask me how my life (meaning career) is turning out, and my easiest way to address those questions is to brush them off with a shrug... Bahala na... Wala pang tawag eh... The usual answers to change the topic... Which deteriorates in turn, the only piece of luxury I have. My Pride! Modesty aside, I am not your typical joe (no reference to Abellon). I am not an ordinary piece of furniture, I always found myself as something for the ages. I think and I comprehend things above what is average. And I worked hard for that, until recently. That is why it perplexes me to find myself in this position... Mediocre, and yes... ordinary.
Somehow, in the most crucial part of a life, the birth and nurturing of a career, I have decided to weasel-out of challenges. I got so used to me being good... or head and shoulders above others that I stopped trying to improve myself. And after a few bumps along the way, I lost all my self-confidence. I always said to others that the only way for others to believe in you is, first, believe in yourself. And somehow, that faith has blown off with the wind along with the withering laurels that ONCE sat calmly on my ears... What has happened? Honestly... I'm not sure. A friend (Dodjie) once told me that sometimes there is thin line that separates true happiness with comfort. I guess, I got comfortable and fooled myself enough that I was happy with how the things were in my life. And in turn, I settled long in that comfort and sank slowly to my knees... Now I have trouble getting out of the predicament I had put myself in... Once, I basked in wine, now I drown in water...
Recently, another friend asked me what the hell am I doing bumming around and hogging all the bandwidth I can get while lying down passively against my normal competitive self, when I could easily find a new job elsewhere. The most intriguing answer I could come up with was that I am "Soul Searching". It was an inside joke, a term that I and a fellow comrade use as an excuse for, umh... well... bumming. Yet, I realized that, now as it nears my escape to reality... That is what I was doing here all those two months. Rekindling that lost fire I once had in me, assessing all (and I mean ALL, that means you!) I have done wrong, and grooming myself for the next challenges in my life. Finding that "Inner Light" in the direst moments, and the deepest hours, as Paulo Cuelho would put it (Eleven Minutes). Kuya Jess once said that... "In order for you to see the light, you'd have to experience darkness." Maybe this was the time for me... To pull out a LeBron, down the last three quarters and scoring 20 in the fourth to come up with a win. A time to rebound. A winning goal against life in penalty time when you're certain to draw the 90th minute. Somehow, I have convinced myself that this is the path to where I'm leading. That this is it, as an old adage... my time to turn the wheel on my favor...
For all this... my lifesaving "Soul Searching", I thank my life-partner (Karen, physically absent yet there for me all the time) who has always inspired me to achieve, my family, my old friends, new friends and new-old friends (you get me, right?)... The neighborhood, PLDT MyDsl for keeping me sane, and the liquors and cigarettes I have always enjoyed (for doing likewise)...
I have always argued that I would only find myself and kindle that fire of competitiveness, and have always imagined "growing up" when I get elsewhere... Be it Dubai or Singapore or anywhere but in this god-forsaken nation... Ironically, I found myself here... Davao City. To where the most part of me ever was. I realized I never needed those million miles of virtual solitude... I just wanted to be home...
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